I’ve hit a huge point of frustration with my weight loss.
Since April, I have lost 15 pounds. That’s a huge accomplishment, but I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. While I recognize that it is great progress, in the past I have lost more in the same amount of time. The last time I lost weight (prior to having my son), I lost 30 pounds in this time.
The difference between then and now is that while I have been greatly driven to exercise daily, to push my limits, and to work as hard as I can, I have fallen off the wagon over and over with my eating. I haven’t been eating as bad as I was before, but trust me, it could be better. Much better.
I’ve felt different over the past few weeks. I could visibly see my progress some days and feel it in my clothes and I honestly just feel better in general. I haven’t been sick. My allergies are actually fine for a change. I have more energy and I can feel my physical abilities improving. My last circuit on a workout is always my strongest. I’ve been doubling up workouts because I finish one and I still feel so energized and ready to go that I’ll pick something else to follow up with.
But the past few days I’ve looked in the mirror and just not been happy at all with what I saw. I don’t know if it’s sort of body dismorphia or just my having such high expectations for myself, but since I’d say last Friday I have been repulsed by my own body. I’ve felt like I look bloated and like all of the progress I made was erased. A friend reminded me that it could just be my weight redistributing, and that’s a valid point. I know that that happens. But it is disheartening to see when the weight all goes back to my stomach when I’ve been pushing so hard to improve that area.
Hello, Abs? Hi, this is Stevie. I’m coming to find you!
People have been telling me that they can see a difference in me and that I look good and I appreciate the compliments and that people are noticing that my body is changing for the better, but things just aren’t happening fast enough.
I posted to Twitter the other day, and this is how I honestly feel a lot of days, that I bust ass doing a workout and I’m sweating and glowing because I feel so good about what I just did, but then a few minutes later my stomach starts yelling at me to get it a cookie. It’s so counterproductive.
I’ve always ate my feelings and ate out of boredom. It’s a habit and it’s the hardest one to break. It’s almost like I look in the mirror and I see that I don’t like how I look and then I act self-destructively. “Well, Stevie. You think you hate the way you look now, wait until after you eat this brownie. Nom nom nom nom nom. Sob sob sob sob sob.”
I have all of the answers, but changing destructive behavior takes time and people who don’t understand it think it is so easy to change. “Well if you don’t want to be fat, just don’t eat junk food.”
It’s not that simple. My weight problems started at puberty. My mom’s side of the family are all very tiny and skinny and for the most part, they can eat whatever they want and get away with it. My dad’s side is built differently, and genetically, that is the hand I was dealt.
I feel a little better today, but I know that it is just such a long road ahead and I get frustrated very easily. I’ve been talking to friends who understand because they have the same problems and while I certainly don’t feel good about my friends feeling as awful as I do, it at least helps to know that I’m not alone, as cliche as it sounds. It really does feel better to know that I’m not crazy, that it isn’t just me and to have that added network and encouragement and to be able to return that encouragement.
The other thing that I am thankful for is that my friends are all being extremely supportive. They aren’t telling me “Oh, Stevie. You’re perfect the way you are.” Instead they are letting me know that they love me no matter what and that I can do this and remind me that I need to do this for me and they are behind me. That’s a tremendous feeling and it is underrated.
Thank you to everyone for reading this and sticking around and for your support. It means so much to me.