The Mystery of Dustin Jeffrey

By Stevie

The running joke of “did the Pens sign Dustin Jeffrey” is long over. I’d like to say our new joke with DJ as the punchline is funny, but it actually isn’t.

WHY ISN’T DUSTIN JEFFREY ALLOWED TO PLAY HOCKEY?!?!?

Seriously. Why isn’t he allowed? By all accounts, he is a talented kid. While he experienced some setbacks this past season due to a knee injury. In his 26 NHL games this past season, Jeffrey scored 4 goals and had 2 assists. One of his goals was short handed and was part of a two goal game. He only played 2 games in his rehab assignment with the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Baby Pens. However, Eric Tangradi played 24 games at the NHL level and 37 in WBS, scoring only 2 assists late in the season with the NHL Pens and 1 in the playoffs while Jeffrey remained a healthy scratch for much of the season.

When the Pens were suffering the injury plague during the 2010-2011 season, Jeffrey played in 25 games and scored 7 goals and 5 assists, while Tangradi played in 15 games and scored 1 goal and got pushed around a hell of a lot. (He helped screen a nice goal though against the Thrashers late in the season.)

What is the deal with Dustin Jeffrey? Why did he spend almost this entire season on the bench as a healthy scratch while Tangradi skated around being largely unproductive? What did this kid do? We all know he doesn’t suck. He has talent and heart. So why is he forever benched?

We all have our theories. Some of them are as follows:

Theory #1: Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed.

Theory number one is the most popular. DJ got caught with his pants around his ankles screwing around with the wife or daughter of prominent member of the Penguin’s front office administration. So who was it? Mrs. Shero? Mrs. Bylsma? Natalie? I’m not sure how likely this is because chances are, if he was messing around with Shero, Bylsma, or Mario’s wife, Tony Granato would have made the headline to this blog “Where is Jazzy Jeff buried?”

Theory #2: Who is Kaiser Soze?

Along the lines of Granato, maybe DJ witnessed something he shouldn’t have and is paying a big penalty for snooping or knowing too much. Maybe he saw Granato and Dana Heinze engaging in some illegal extra curriculars.

That’s really all I have. There is seriously no other explanation for Jeffrey being forever benched other than he got caught sticking his hot dog in another man’s bun (worst metaphor EVER).

Jeffrey is reportedly playing Croatia, per Dave Molinari at the PG. Earlier in the week, it was said that he signed with a team in the Netherlands. If he rides the bench in Europe, I’m going to start calling this a major conspiracy against Dustin Jeffrey. This guy is just banned from all of hockey. He played in only 28 TOTAL hockey games last season! That’s only a little over 1/4 of a hockey season. Hell. DJ can’t even get a regular team overseas! He’s supposedly been on two teams just this week! Eric Tangradi is living it up in WBS and DJ was exiled to Europe! And it’s not even like he is some place cool. He is in Croatia!

Dustin Jeffrey is locked out of hockey more than any other player.

Bring back hockey and FREE DUSTIN JEFFREY!